"Out of Office" by Andrew Careaga
Hey, there. Thanks for the email! If you’re reading this auto-response, then you’re probably aware of what happened. Yes, it’s true. After many false and misleading claims over the years about our Glorious Lord and Savior’s return to rescue His chosen ones, it has finally happened. Yes, I’m talking about the Rapture, the great “catching away” of Jesus’s true believers. And yes, I know what the Bible says, that none of us knows the exact time of Jesus’s appearance, but that bit of scripture has been misquoted for years. That refers to His second coming, not the big “R.” The truth is, God revealed His rapture timing to me in a dream not too long ago, so I made all the necessary preparations. No, I didn’t stand on street corners in a sandwich board proclaiming “THE END IS NEAR” or “REPENT.” Nor did I become some sort of wild-eyed zealot going door to door to warn my neighbors of the wrath that is to come. Not me. I’m much more pragmatic—it’s just the way God made me. After much prayer, I felt the Lord directing me to burn through all my personal time off, withdraw all of my money from the bank, cash in my retirement (at a substantial penalty, but none of that matters—not to me, and soon it won’t matter to the financial advisors who manage the company’s accounts, or to you, either), headed to the casino boats to play the slots and blackjack (and won big), and treated myself to a wonderful gourmet meal at a five-star restaurant. Knowing the final days were drawing near, I even went to a strip club one night, just for old times’ sake, knowing God would forgive me afterward. God is good! On the drive home, I got pulled over, failed the field sobriety test, and got hauled into the police station—in handcuffs, like a common criminal!—where they gave me a breathalyzer, which I also failed. I spent the night in the county jail on a DWI charge. Glory to God! This was a trial, yes, but also an opportunity to warn the deputy who locked me up of the perilous times ahead. I felt like the Apostle Paul, jailed but holding fast to my faith even in these dire circumstances. What a blessing! The ironic thing is, my court date is set for the day after the rapture. Ha! Joke’s on the legal system! Now, if you’re with the company, this out-of-office message may come as a shock, since I didn’t give notice. Why should I tip them off? They’d only think I’m nutso. But they’ll learn the truth soon enough. I’m sure everyone in HR and accounting is stranded on this literally but temporarily God-forsaken planet (hi, Evelyn! hi, Max!) but the true believers, even if they didn’t get the message like I did, are now safely and peacefully swept away by God’s benevolence and grace, just like me. I didn’t tell my parents, either. They don’t believe any of this “God stuff,” as they dismissively called it after I’d gotten saved during my third stint in rehab. (You probably weren’t aware of my rehab, were you? I don’t talk about it much—or didn’t, back when I was walking among you—and yes, someone as well-adjusted as I could hardly be perceived as a reformed drug abuser and petty thief. By the grace of God, I have been redeemed from that old person and am now fully alive in Christ! Hallelujah!) So no, I didn’t mention any of this to my parents, either. They’d only want to send me back to the psychoanalyst they paid big bucks for. (All for nothing, as it turns out, because only Jesus can heal us from our wickedness and depravity!) And since my girlfriend dumped me a week before the dream, all because I’d never repaid the money she’d lent me over a year ago, I had no intention of telling her anything, either. But she’s also saved—supposedly—so she can figure it out on her own, and if she is who she claimed to be, although I seriously doubt she is—but who am I to judge?—then we are probably back together, reunited with Jesus and all His saints even as you poor damned souls read this. And if I’m wrong? Oh, ye of little faith! I already told you, God, the Big Man Himself, revealed it all to me in a dream. Why would God do such a thing to one of his most faithful and loyal followers? Why would he deceive me and condemn me to eternal perdition? That’s impossible, and incompatible with His holy character. Now, what shall you do, you who are left behind like that Kirk Cameron character in those terrible movies based on the Tim LaHaye/Jerry B. Jenkins novels? (The first book—the only one I read—was better than the movie, by the way, but barely.) Well, you could start by reading God’s Word: the Bible. You know what “B-I-B-L-E” stands for? “Basic instructions before leaving earth.” 😊 I’m no theologian, but there may be a chance you’ll get a reprieve. A do-over, if you will, if you pray hard enough. Read the Book of Revelation and then warn others of the wrath that is to come. May God have mercy on you all!
P.S. – Eric, if you’re reading this, no, I didn’t finish that report you asked for last week. I mean, what was the point? You and it and everyone else in this company that didn’t get right with the Lord are going to endure eternal suffering anyway, so what’s a little extra angst in your life by not getting your quarterlies submitted on time? As if time matters anymore. Ha! Not to me, it doesn’t, anyway. I’m off to eternal life.
P.S.S. – To Carol, if you’re still around, I just want you to know you were the best assistant I’ve ever had. Thank you for falsifying my time sheets for me, and sorry about that awkward grope and come-on in the storage closet. Please know that I’ve forgiven you for reporting me to Ethel in HR. God have mercy on you.
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