"A Holiday Shopping Odyssey" by John A. Tures

“Beating the Trojans was easier than planning for this crazy Christmas shopping excursion,” mused Eustis out loud, to his fellow Spartans.

The week before, the six in the vehicle had a lot to celebrate. The Spartans of Michigan State University prevailed over the University of Southern California Trojans in the Big Ten Championship. Now three of his teammates from the football team, along with two other athletes from MSU, decided to head down from East Lansing to Detroit to take care of their holiday shopping. Eustis’ girlfriend Nell begged off. “You’ll never get everything for everyone on our list,” she insisted. “Just let me take care of everything online, rather than take a voyage to that huge ‘Mall of the USA.’”

But the thrill of the hunt, and the challenge to the athlete, could not be denied to Eustis and the other Spartans. As Eustis drove his Ford Expedition, the hulking lineman “Moose” rode shotgun, swearing at every car that sped by or cut them off. Behind him, women’s basketball captain Deb was shouting out navigation directions. One seat behind Moose sat Quince, MSU’s star defensive back, who had the all-important job as D.J. of the S.U.V., ensuring the latest holiday hits were blasting out of Eustis’ stereo. Squeezed in between them was Tiny, the Spartans’ gymnast and floor exercise champion, studying an online guide to the massive indoor mall shopping. Stuffed in the trunk area was Amp, a freshman MSU running back, engrossed in his Nintendo DS.

“What a win last Saturday!” Moose relived the overtime victory to win the conference.

“That fake field goal attempt totally fooled the Trojans.”

Quince laughed. “If we can beat those guys from USC, a little holiday shopping can’t be that hard, right?”

The doors to the Mall of the USA opened before them into a giant Food Court. Pangs of hunger gnawed at Eustis’ belly, the PB&J that Nell made for him not quite quelling his hunger.

“Ignore them,” Eustis commanded as eager assistants with trays of free samples speared with toothpicks tried to entice the band of Spartans. He had to pull Deb away from the Sushi rolls and Quince from the pot stickers. At the end of the Food Court, the leader of the journey did a head count. 1…2…3…4…and he made five. 

But where was Moose?

Eustis dashed back inside the Food Court. He saw the hulking lineman sprawled out in a large chair in front of “Lotus Eats,” which seemed to be the epicenter of the servers with the free samples.

“Hey Eustis!” Moose cried out. “You gotta try these sausage cheeseballs! They’re all free!”

The captain of the Spartans glared at his teammate. “Dude, we have to finish….”

“C’mon man,” Moose complained. “Just have a sip of this IPA.”

Eustis rolled his eyes. “How many of these have you…” Then he caught sight of all of the solo cups littered around Moose’s massive shoes. “Never mind. See ya later.”

Moose raised his beer in a toast just like Dionysus, then belched. Now they were down to five.

“Where’s Moose?” Amp asked.

Eustis sighed. “He’s not going anywhere. We’re gonna need a forklift to get him out of the Food Court, and a cab to get back to…”

“Hey!” Deb burst out. “Where’s Quince?”

Eustis’ eagle eyes looked across the mall until he saw a forest-green blur. “There he is!”

A giant security guard, who wore an eyepatch, pursued the speedy defensive back. 

“Stop him!” the mall cop bellowed. “He’s a thief!”

Quince’s fellow Spartans rushed over to try and help their friend. Before they could get to him, a few Good Samaritan wannabes blocked the Spartan player, enabling the large officer to tackle him. As the cop hauled their friend to his feet, the large man’s one good eye glared at his quarry. Eustis noted that the guard had a nametag, which read “Virgil.”

“I’m taking you in for shoplifting,” the one-eyed mall cop announced.

“I didn’t steal nothin'!” Quince declared.

“Then why’d you run?” Virgil sneered. “What’s your name?”

“Nobody to you!”

Other cops showed up and dragged off Eustis’ Spartan teammate. 

“I can’t believe Quince would do that,” Deb waved her hands wildly.

“He probably didn’t,” Eustis observed, pointing at Virgil. “He’s got a University of Michigan watch. It’s probably a revenge thing for us beating them by three touchdowns.”

“So now we’re four,” Amp groaned. “What could happen next?”

They were about to find out.

“So we’ve got a quarter of our list done,” Eustis stated. “As long as we stick with the plan….”

“Wait!” Amp called out. “We lost Tiny!”

Eustis whirled around. “Did someone nab her?”

Deb shook her head and pointed at a store behind them, labeled “Capri’s Chords.”

“Chances are she’s stuck in the music store,” the women’s basketball player declared.

They found the gymnast in the back of the store. With giant headphones over her ears, Tiny was sporting some Virtual Reality goggles. She didn’t seem to notice Deb tapping her on the shoulder.

“Tiny?” Amp called out. There was no response.

“Tiny!” Eustis yelled.

“Oh, hey guys?” Tiny squealed, finally acknowledging them. “You should check this out. It’s like I’m right there at the concert with my favorite group!”

Deb explained. “Tiny’s beloved band is Sy and the Wrens. It’s no use waiting for her…she’ll be rocking out for hours in this multimedia experience.”

Reluctantly, the three shoppers left Tiny as she continued to gyrate to some beat.

“Well, at least the three of us can accomplish our mission,” Eustis claimed as they wandered through the “Home R Us” department store. “We’ve got half of our stuff taken care of.”

“Yeah,” Deb backed him up.

Amp didn’t say anything.

That was because Amp was no longer there.

Deb and Eustis scoured the entire store, finally finding their Spartan teammate in the appliances section.

“What are you doing here?” Eustis demanded.

Amp merely stared in wonder at the refrigerator. “It’s a Whirlpool.”

“It’s a what?” Deb gasped.

“It’s a Whirlpool 36-inch with 24.5 cubic feet, standard depth, French doors, fingerprint resistant stainless steel….”

“You can’t afford this!” Deb insisted. “It’s almost $2,000.”

“And that doesn’t cover delivery,” Eustis added.

“I’ll get my parents to send me money,” Amp replied, as if in a trance. “It’s my dream fridge. I don’t even want to leave it now that I found it.”

“Forget it,” Deb put her hand on Eustis’ shoulder, leading him away. “He’s gone.”

Eustis crossed another item off his list. “We’re most of the way there, Deb,” he noted. “We only have an hour left until they close.”

“Ooooh!” Deb shrieked. “They have a Sentimental Safari! Can we go in, Eustis? It’ll be just for a minute. I promise!”

“Okay,” Eustis sighed reluctantly.

But it was too late. Within moments, the women’s basketball player had an Albino Ball Python draped over her shoulders. “I love him!” she cooed. “He’s so smooth. I’m calling him Syla the Snake.”

Eustis could only gape.

“You go on without me,” Deb offered. “I’ve got to get acquainted with my new friend here.”

Eustis left the Mall of the USA, hefting three big shopping bags alone. At least Quince was released when videocameras confirmed his story, though he had split home via the bus, according to his text. In fact, all five friends messaged their leader noting they would be taking different forms of transportation home except Moose. He sent a message in the group chat that he was at Circe’s BBQ. At least he got everything on his list. 

It was time to head home to Nell. Unfortunately, she wasn’t answering any of his texts. That had him worried.

When he got to their dorm, there was no response to his knock on the door. Where was she?

All he could hear was a group of men chanting carols loudly. Curious, he peeked outside. There was Nell, cowering in a corner of the building, surrounded by a semicircle of dandies decked out like extras on the set of “A Christmas Carol” movie, singing, no screaming, the loudest rendition of “We Wish You A Merry Christmas.” The glee club wannabes all sported a name on their top hats: “The Suitors.”

“Eustis!” Nell called out. “Save me!”

The Spartan looked around. Though a football player, it would be one against more than a dozen. Then an idea hit him. At the end of the verse about demanding figgy pudding, he took advantage of the momentary pause. “Hey everyone!” Eustis yelled. “Arrow.com is offering half off on electronics until midnight!”

Immediately, the carolers abandoned their helpless quarry and ran for their dorms, apartments, and eventually their laptops. Nell sprang forward into her boyfriend’s arms.

“Eustis!” she beamed. “You rescued me!” She kissed him, then noticed all of the shopping bags. “And you saved Christmas too!”

“Aww…” he blushed. “It was nothing.”

She pointed back to her dorm. “Let’s take T-Mach for a walk,” she offered, referring to her Border Collie. “And you can tell me all about your shopping trip.”

“Trip?!” Eustis laughed. “It was a total odyssey!”

John A. Tures began writing for the El Paso Herald-Post in high school. He wrote for his college paper at Trinity University in San Antonio and at Marquette University. He earned his doctorate at Florida State University, analyzed data in Washington DC, and is now a Professor at LaGrange College. He writes a weekly column for newspapers and magazines (https://muckrack.com/john-tures/articles). He has published a number of short story mysteries and thrillers. His book Branded, which mixes corporations, media and academia in a thriller. was by Huntsville Independent Press late last year (see more about it here: https://www.huntsvilleindependent.com/product-page/branded) and he has another on the way, an election thriller about a third party candidacy titled “Independent Thought.” He thanks family and friends for listening to his stories. His author site is here: https://www.johntures.com/about-the-author/.