"From the Customer Love Department" by Lisa K. Buchanan

Congratulations on the purchase of your Red Shooz! In your email, you said you’d been seeking a socioeconomic boost from lack to luxury, forgettable to fameworthy, rough to royal. Fairy-tale dreams? Hardly. Your Red Shooz have already begun to liberate the beguiling, audacious nine-year-old you truly are. 

You say some downer-scolds objected to you dancing around town in your Red Shooz with a white dress, white tights, and a glossy, carmined pout. Oh they of veiled slutspeak! Blind to your blend of oozy eroticism with unspoiled innocence, they know not how they bore. 

When you first approached us, you were still frumping around in high-tops and collecting isopods in the park. You gorged on robot stories and breakfast spaghetti, and chalked earnest messages onto sidewalks. You bounced obsessively on your pogo stick and recited poems to your beagle. You made origami cranes. 

Now, however, no matter the moment—mid-math test at school, mid-eulogy at your uncle’s funeral, mid-meteor shower on a crisp, starlit night—you’re thinking about your Red Shooz. With this admirable focus, you join an elite few: Note the ancient Cinderella who snagged the King of Egypt with her rose-red slippers; braided Dorothy’s ascent from bumpkin to big shot in her ruby reds; Norma Jean’s apotheosis in crystal-crusted stilettos. With care and polishing, you too can become legendary—which brings us to the grievance in your support request, Case No 9814475. 

We’re terribly sorry to hear of the sudden loss of your feet. While we cannot grant the refund you requested or accept liability for shoe-removal issues or any other occupational inconvenience of celebrity (Term 29f.4 on your receipt), we suggest you disable that frown muscle between your eyebrows and embrace the fabulousness of your bloody stumps. Remember, they, too, are a kind of red shoe. 

Lisa K. Buchanan is still working on a charming, crassly humorous bio, but in the meantime, she lives in San Francisco and her writings can be found in CRAFT, The Citron Review, and at www.lisakbuchanan.com. Foes: people on the bus whose shoulder bags are close to my ear. Friends: people not ahead of me in line for chocolate sorbet. Heroes: public librarians. Current favorite novellas: The Employees by Olga Ravn; Address Unknown by Kathrine Kressmann Taylor.